at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
