Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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