did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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