Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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