Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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