if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize