Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
