Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
