I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
