I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
