you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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