so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
