youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
