Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
where are you?
Hypothermia
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
