walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
