i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
