well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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