dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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