I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
