so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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