there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
