Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
