The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
two words...techno handjob
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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