You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
