Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
