I'm so fucking centered right now
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i've created a new STD.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm always down for nudity.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
