She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
