well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
