i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
