New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
