i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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