His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
