when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
