I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
