Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
