I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All I want is dick and wine.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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