Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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