its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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