my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
