wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
