forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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