What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
