Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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