Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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