i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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