God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
