My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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