Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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