i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
