Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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