dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am available for nakedness
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
