My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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