it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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