I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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