Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
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I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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