You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
