When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
