Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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