are you so shy because you have an std?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
